Steve

I met him at a bar one night.... very nice looking guy and very polite.  We hit it off almost instantly.  We started dating... sort of... I wasn't ready for another relationship. I wasn't completly over Don yet.  Steve and I spent HOURS on the phone.  We talked and talked into the wee hours of the morning.  Sometimes we'd talk until I had to go get into the shower and get ready for work.  At the drugstore.

To spare the details, I got pregnant in October.  I was in shock. But at the same time, happy and intrigued.  Then I remembered my dad... OMG, he was going to kill me.  I had gone to the local health center that day to get a pregnancy test, I know my body so well that I knew I was pregnant, but had to confirm it.  The pregnancy test came back positive immediately.  I remember the day like it was yesterday... my life had changed in an instant.... and I actually took the afternoon off and went home to my apartment and had a beer.  I KNOW..... shut UP. 

Steve was there, he was sleeping in my bed... he worked nights and slept during the day.  I woke him up, beer in hand, and told him I was pregnant.  He was absolutely fucking thrilled.

But my dad was always in the back of my mind... I couldn't really be happy about this baby growing inside of me because I was so stricken with fear about how my dad was going to react.  I made a plan.  I was doubtful that I could sustain a pregnancy because I had already lost one baby with Don.  I swore Steve to secrecy.  He complied.  He knew how afraid I was of my dad.  I told Steve that I would not tell anyone I was pregnant until I got past my second or third month, and that way I'd be almost sure I would not lose this baby as well.  I did not want to tell my dad I was pregnant and endure his wrath if I was going to lose this baby in the end.  How sad is that?

Well, the second month came and went.  It was December, I believe.  I was sick as a dog with morning sickness... the only thing that settled my tummy was a diet coke from McDonalds.  It couldn't be a store-bought diet coke, it had to be from McDonalds.  Funny how your body works when you are pregnant.  I was so thin at the time that I wasn't anywhere near "showing".  But I lived in a small town, and small towns are funny places.  Small towns with Big Mouths.  And the girl that worked at my doctor's office was a major gossip.  I knew I had to tell.

I finally got up the nerve to call my mother.  My mom and dad were still married at the time.  I knew I could tell her I was pregnant, but there was NO way I could tell my dad.  I felt so bad telling my mom, even though she was excited about the news,  I asked her to please be the one to tell my dad because I couldn't.  He'd kill me.  Even though I was 22 years old, and living on my own, supporting myself, he'd kill me.

And sure enough, he went through the roof.  "How could Kim shame me like that?"....  "She's pregnant and not married"..... "I am so ashamed of her"...

Yep.  That went over well.

He tried to talk me into an abortion.  But I have never believed in abortion.  It is SO wrong on so many levels.  But that is a whole 'nuther bottle of wine.

At around 3 or 4 months of being pregnant with this precious baby, I had an ultrasound and found out it was a boy.  I was thrilled.  He was right where he should be in length and weight.  I loved being pregnant.  I quit drinking beer and ate clean.  Except for the pallets of Captain Crunch I consumed.  I could never get enough Captain Crunch.  And I think I ate about 40 boxes of japanese mandarin oranges.  I figured it made up for the Captain Crunch.

I remember laying on the living room floor of my one bedroom apartment at night... I slept there most nights... I would fall asleep to the TV.  I  remember I would put the earphones from my Walkman around my belly curve and turn up the volume.  Within minutes, my baby would be trampoline-jumping all over my little belly.  I could see his little jumps through my skin.... just barely noticeable... but it amused me... and it was SO wonderful having this baby inside of me.  He depended on me, my every move, every bite I put into my mouth, it was all about him.  And I loved it.  I loved being pregnant.  I remember there were days where he'd be silent, motionless, and it scared the crap out of me.  So I would go lay flat on my bed, or on the floor, and start poking at my tummy.... just to make sure he was alive.... and to see if I could roust him.  Sure enough, after a few minutes, he'd kick back.  And then I was fine, I could go on about my day with my baby.